Kaleidoscope
by robin hoods
Summary: Kida Masaomi feels like he's known Ryuugamine Mikado his entire life. Maybe he has.


**Title:** Kaleidoscope  
 **Summary:** Kida Masaomi feels like he's known Ryuugamine Mikado his entire life. Maybe he has.  
 **Notes:** Originally written for drrrkink. I'd link the original prompt, but ffnet is really annoying with links these days, even in profiles. This basically is an update of the original fic that I posted waaaay back in 2010, with improved wording and grammar and so on. :)  
It also _can_ be read as shippy (Mikado/Masaomi) (which is why I tagged it like that), but that's really only if you squint. Because of reasons you find out by the end.

* * *

Kida Masaomi is seven years old when he first meets Mikado. At least, he remembers being seven, he's not quite sure. In any case, he has known Mikado for some time now, and considers the other to be his best friend, the one he can always save, the one who always needs his help, the one Masaomi holds on to because who else is there that needs him? Mikado is like the little brother he has never had. (And, for years, he doesn't need anyone except Mikado.)

Six years after he first meets Mikado, he moves away to Tokyo. He begs and pleads, grovels and bawls, and he can't remember ever being so sad, because he has to leave Mikado behind. When he tells his friend the news, he feels a little empty inside.

Mikado promises him that they'll keep in touch, and Masaomi knows he will, because that's just the way Mikado is.

For the next few years, he gets caught up in the fast and time-consuming place called Tokyo, and doesn't have the time to think about Mikado at all. When he does, he feels guilty and writes him long e-mails, and feels slightly worried when he doesn't immediately get a reply. But Mikado doesn't know all that much about technology, he reminds himself. He said so himself.

When all the crap that's thrown his way has passed, and he can finally breathe again, he is overjoyed to find Mikado will join him once again.

He's so happy when he hears about it that, for a moment, he can forget about Saki-chan. For a moment, he can pretend there are no Yellow Scarves and Blue Squares and there is definitely no Orihara Izaya. (He feels guilty afterwards.)

Izaya finds him three days after Mikado has moved to Ikebukuro. "I heard your friend moved here," he says. Masaomi finds himself nodding, because no matter what, he still finds it impossible to lie to Izaya. "I haven't seen him yet, though," the other man says, a suggestively lilt to his voice, and, honestly, Masaomi thinks it's a good thing, because Mikado should never be introducted to Izaya. "Perhaps we could agree to some other time?" Izaya finally offers, and Masaomi agrees if only to get rid of him. The heavy feeling pressing his heart down finally lifts when that man who ruined everything disappears around the corner. Masaomi hopes he never has to see him again.

He gives Mikado the grand tour of the city – "and that's where I asked out this _really_ cute girl, because she looked so wonderful and amazing!" – and Mikado tells him all girls look like that to him. Masaomi huffs indignantly and turns around, as if angered, but in reality he is glad. Mikado needs him as much now as he did then, and it makes him happy. Especially when he hears Mikado stutter about Sonohara-san, and Masaomi teases him – "Just tell Anri-chan you like her!" – though later he realises Mikado is the connecting factor between them, and without him, something in their friendship is missing while it wasn't before

But he doesn't know that now. At this point in time everything's all right and Kida Masaomi has nothing to worry about.

* * *

Masaomi knows practically everything there is to know about his best friend. What he looks like when he gets nervous (which, to be honest, is most of the time), what soft drink he prefers and even what the brand of toothpaste he uses. Masaomi isn't entirely sure how he knows some of these things, they're what he's always known. Mikado may have told him at some point, and he's just accepted it. It's not as if Mikado doesn't know everything about him, too. Well, almost everything. There are some things Masaomi does not want Mikado to know, because… He thinks he's scared, but isn't sure of what – rejection? Abandonment? Whatever it is, it stops him from sharing his past with Mikado, and for a while this is fine.

They're normal high school students, at last, and Masaomi has to admit that he likes that everything has finally gone back to normal. It still means he is a coward, and it also means he has a hard time saying no – but normal also means Mikado. "I'm fine," he says whenever his friend asks him if he's okay, even when he knows he's not. He doesn't want to burden anyone, especially not Mikado, with his problems.

After several months, he begins to notice they've been growing apart, and it hurts a lot more than he's willing to admit. Mikado suddenly isn't the shy, sweet boy he became friends with years ago, because it's as if Masaomi knows Mikado's hiding something from him – this makes him forget he hides something from his best friend as well. He's unsure about what to do, for the first time, and thus it surprises him when Mikado approaches him with words Masaomi didn't even know the other knew.

"Mikado…" he whispers, he knows he does, because the name always lies on the tip of his tongue these days, and Mikado gladly uses the opportunity to delve in deep. Later on, Masaomi will wonder whether that was his own warmth, if Mikado was really there at all – but right now he throws himself into the deep end, just as unknowing and inexperienced as his best friend. That's what makes it okay, for now.

That night, the world exists out of Mikado, and Mikado only, and Masaomi realises three things. One, he really likes it when Mikado calls him Masaomi. Two, he is completely sure they'll remain best friends, no matter what. Three, the secret Mikado is hiding might be just as bad as his own, if not worse.

He tries to find out on his own, but Mikado hasn't told anyone about his secret – at least Masaomi doesn't think he has. There is this one time when he, Mikado and Anri run into Heiwajima Shizuo – all three of them, by chance – and he is sure he sees something different in his friend. Not shyness, but an odd sort of determination. Slowly it begins to dawn on him that his friend will no longer need him in the future, and he clings all the more to ideas that no longer exist.

Simultaneously, he gets drawn back into his previous life, after being warned the group calling themselves the Dollars is getting out of control. He doesn't know who they are – they're absolute blanks, anyone could be part of Dollars, really – but he remembers he has warned Mikado some time ago to stay away from them, so it's okay. This problem is only his own, and no one else's. Mikado can stay out of it.

* * *

It's getting out of hand, and Masaomi knows it. He barely sees Mikado anymore, outside of school, and whenever the other offers to meet afterwards, Masaomi declines. He knows he has other things to do.

Bad things have been happening, and for some reason they aren't related to either Orihara Izaya or Heiwajima Shizuo, which is a miracle in itself. No, this time around, people have been getting stabbed by a mysterious person – the victims don't end up dead, by any means, but Masaomi is still aware how dangerous this attacker is.

Masaomi knows that once upon a time he was able to say he trusted Mikado with his life – he's his best friends – but right now he's not sure anymore. For the first time since Mikado got here he visits Izaya, though he knows he shouldn't. He just wants to get some answers, because nothing makes sense.

"You still haven't introduced me to your friend," Izaya says with a pout, and Masaomi evades the comment by asking a question.

"You can help me with something, right?"

"You know I can always help you out, for a price," Izaya replies with a grin, and Masaomi ignores the bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"The Dollars," he starts, "do you know who…?"

"Leads them?" Izaya finishes for him. "I do. But are you sure _you_ want to know?"

"Yes," Masaomi says with confidence, "I do."

"The answer is very simple, and I find it interesting you haven't figured it our yourself yet, Masaomi-kun." Izaya continues. "But you do have a habit of not seeing what's right in front of you, don't you? The leader of the Dollars… is your friend, Ryuugamine Mikado." For a moment Masaomi's blood freezes, he can't believe it, he doesn't want to believe it, because Mikado… Shy, _awkward_ Mikado isn't even supposed to know anything about that – the idea contrasts with their nightly adventure, only a few weeks ago. Izaya continues to talk, despite Masaomi thinking everything has already been said. "I did some research on your friend, and I came to a very odd conclusion, Masaomi-kun. You see, while there are _mentions_ of your friend, usually without a last name, he is simply unfindable. Not because he doesn't want to be found," he gives Masaomi a sharp look, "but because your friend, Mikado, doesn't exist."

"What…" Masaomi whispers. "No. No, no, nonono! What the hell are you talking about?!" He's trying to wrap his head around the mere idea of Mikado not being _real_ and it's such a foreign thought he doesn't know what to do with it. It doesn't make any sense. What about their childhood, what about his memories, what about everything they went through together?

"Mikado might be the leader of the Dollars," Izaya continues, and he smiles as if he knows everything – and with a sinking feeling Masaomi realises he does, he truly does _._ "But your dear Mikado is just a figment of your imagination, Masaomi. Ryuugamine Mikado never existed. There are no birth records of anyone by that name, not in where you were born, and neither anywhere else. Which means, Masaomi-kun, that not Mikado, but _you_ are the leader of the Dollars." He laughs and Masaomi doesn't know what to do – there are tears burning behind his eyelids but he has enough pride left not to spill them in front of Izaya. "Really," the other man continues, "I thought there was nothing more to you. But you sure are a very interesting persona, Masaomi." When Kida Masaomi runs out of his apartment, Izaya calls after him, "Let me know if Mikado ever wants to meet me!"

Masaomi is left uestioning his world, and everything in it. Is this real? If Mikado isn't, then what is? Everything else? Does Anri-chan exist? Is the entirety of Ikebukuro just made up, part of his imagination? He shakes his head and stares at the wall and pinches himself, painfully aware that this is not a dream, but reality. It's just that's it's a reality without Mikado – and Masaomi realises he can never accept this.

* * *

"Are you all right, Kida-kun?" Anri-chan asks him.

Masaomi begins to nod- then, he suddenly shakes his head. "I don't know, Anri-chan," he begins and suddenly doubts if he should mention it at all. Mikado isn't at school today. "Do you… know anyone by the name of Mikado?" he carefully asks, and to his surprise she smiles at him. Only he doesn't expect her reply at all.

"You mention him a lot, Kida-kun," she softly says in that way only Anri-chan can, "but you haven't introduced me to him yet. Didn't he move to Ikebukuro a while ago?"

Masaomi pauses for some time. "He… did," he replies at last, "but… he didn't like it here." The smile he offers is quite painful. "So he moved back."

She nods. "I see." The rest of their lunch is spent in silence.

That night, he logs into the Dollars' website – he seems to know the password, even if he's never even seen the site before. It amazes him how large the community is, and he lets his hands hover over the keyboard for a moment, until a link catches his attention. It's a PM from someone called 'Kanra', inviting him over to a chatroom.

Hesitantly he logs in – by chance he knows Mikado's handle, Tanaka Tarou, and uses it.

 _Kanra: Welcome back, Tarou-kun! :D_  
 _Tanaka Tarou: Ah, hi, Kanra-san  
Kanra: You were gone for quite some time, Tarou-kun ;_;  
Kanra: Are you okay?_

She's an amazingly fast typist, and Masaomi needs some time to think about his replies.

 _Tanaka Tarou: I'm fine  
Tanaka Tarou: I've been busy  
Kanra: Ah, yes, Tarou-kun still goes to school, right?_

He has to think about the way Mikado would've replied, and somehow the answers come so easily it's scary.

 _Tanaka Tarou: Yeah ^^;;  
Setton: Hi there, Tarou  
Tanaka Tarou: Hello :)  
Kanra: Ah, now that Setton is back from their ''break'' we're finally complete again! 3  
Tanaka Tarou: Actually…  
Kanra: ?  
Kanra: You weren't planning on leaving, were you, Tarou-kun?_

He has half a sentence typed in, and bites on his lip.

 _Tanaka Tarou: I actually came here to say goodbye to you guys  
Kanra: :O  
Kanra: Tarou-kun is leaving?!_

 _Setton [private]: Is everything okay, Mikado?  
Tanaka Tarou [private]: Yeah, yeah  
Tanaka Tarou [private]: I just need some time to sort things out. Don't worry.  
Setton [private]: You know you can count on me if you need anything, right?  
Tanaka Tarou [private]: Of course_

 _Tanaka Tarou: Not for forever, Kanra-san_

Masaomi wonders what kind of people Mikado – he himself? – knew. Just what _is_ Mikado, really? How did he meet these people? How is Setton so familiar with his name, when he's not even—

 _Kanra [private]: Good to see this, Mikado  
Kanra [private]: Or should I say, Masaomi?  
Tanaka Tarou [private]: Izaya-san?!  
Kanra [private]: 100% correct!  
Kanra [private]: I assume we don't have to expect 'Tanaka Tarou' back in the chat?  
Tanaka Tarou [private]: No, probably not_

Masaomi gulps. Izaya is the only one who knows about Mikado – at least the whole truth, if there is any kind of truth at all.

 _Kanra [private]: What about Dollars?  
Tanaka Tarou [private]: What about it?  
Kanra [private]: Are you going to let it stay?  
Tanaka Tarou [private]: I… don't know  
Kanra [private]: Let's put it this way  
Kanra [private]: You are not Mikado, you are Kida Masaomi. What would Kida Masaomi do in such a situation?  
Tanaka Tarou [private]: Um.  
Tanaka Tarou [private]: Disbanding the Yellow Scarves would probably be a good idea  
Tanaka Tarou [private]: Seeing as the Dollars don't have anything to do with the Slasher, as far as I know now  
Tanaka Tarou [private]: And I wouldn't want people to get hurt unnecessarily_

 _Kanra: We will miss you, Tarou-kun ;_;  
Tanaka Tarou: I don't think that's necessary_

Izaya doesn't reply to their private conversation until almost five minutes later.

 _Kanra [private]: It seems you will have to pick up the pieces Mikado left behind, Masaomi_

Masaomi knows, he's realised and while he doesn't know yet how he will do it, somehow everything will have to come together. He doesn't want Mikado to play a part in it anymore, though, however much that thought hurts. When he looks in the mirror, he sees himself with his bright blonde hair, but next to him he sees Mikado, waiting for him to take action. Because Mikado always waits for him. Masaomi glances sideward, expecting his friend to be sitting there – and feels disappointed when he's not.

 _Tanaka Tarou [private]: I think everything will be fine_

Izaya smirks at the computer screen. He always comes back to Kida Masaomi, somehow. However small of a pawn he seemed at first, there's lots to still be uncovered. The chatroom pings one last time before he logs out.

 _Tanaka Tarou: Goodbye_


End file.
